Solace in longing

Sharps box 2: Longing

This piece was made during my third attempt at egg retrieval. It explores the experience of powerlessness and longing that one feels the two weeks leading up to the egg retrieval procedure.

For the unitiated, attempted egg retrieval is the first step of IVF. It is when you inject yourself with hormones to force your body to create more eggs than usual, so there is a better chance that you will get viable embryos. During this time you give yourself daily injections at home and have frequent doctor's appointments to monitor the size of the ovarian follicles, which is where the eggs grow. The doctors cannot really tell you anything other than that it could be going better than it is. It is a time of hope, anxiety, and longing.

I injected medicine into my belly and then the syringes into the sculpture head. The syringes are hard to put in! This is the first time I included the acupuncture needles, they add a subtle lovely sound to an otherwise unpleasant process. Can you hear it in the videos?

At some point, I carved out the eyes. It was an act of desperation and ridiculously messy. In this process, you cannot know the outcome, and you cannot control it. I replaced them with hands, we come empty handed and powerless, with only longing to offer.

At the same time, IVF is always an act of love. Inside the palms of the hands, I made eyes with mirrors from a blanket that Sarah gave me and fake eyelashes that I inherited from my grandmother, two matriarchs in my life. These eyes see my hope.

After each monitoring session I would add an eyelash to represents an ovarian follicle that was growing in side me. Before this I never knew the word follicle could mean anything other than for hair. Each ovarian follicle might, but in this case ultimately did not, yield a viable egg.